How I been feeling

I haven't been good lately and felt like I should just get this off my chest.

Nothing has been seeming to go the way I'd like not necessarily planned.

Just all the working and getting nowhere the still haven't been able to go back to school

thing is killing me emotionally.  And the fact these fucking humans just keep pissing me

off just makes me madder.  Haven't had my car in sometime now.  The feeling lonely

every day and every night.  I just don't have the support system I'm needing.

Honestly how I been feeling is pretty much like dying.

I figured if I wasn't here any longer I would be at peace but suicide would just

be the easy way out right?  smh....I guess.  But I think about it every day.

From the consistent financial obligations and to the emotional attachment I don't have.

 I just feel empty.  Wanting to be happy for my girl and her first child but I can only be

so happy because I'm stuck on jealousy.  Yeah shit is real but I'm living.  Life is not hard

it's just the people in it that makes me feel like it is.  Not having a chance at anything better.

Yeah I hate myself and I hate my life but it's mines...I wouldn't want anyone else living it.

Weird sex

I don't even know why I'm calling it weird sex but maybe it's because when we first met in person you figured I'd be totally different then what I was.  Probably even a man trying to be a girl only because that's what you wanted to believe.  You said you couldn't believe how I was still single and trust while I was sitting in your "spaceship" I couldn't see why you would still be either.

I'm the type of girl that loves ass...a phat ass...and trust I noticed that walking around the rite-aid with you.

When we first emailed we knew that all it was ever suppose to be was just sex...but seeing how it was so good the first time we continued to see each other and continued to have sex.  Anyways...once we got back to your place, we just listened to music and you tried to figure out some songs that I kinda knew the title of. 

You told me you were going to the bathroom after trying to put your uniforms together for work in the morning. You definitely was wasting time lol.  Once you came back in from the bathroom I was already in my bra and boy shorts.  I think you were shocked...but a good shocked lol I told you to come to me and I started to kiss you on your neck and things.  You know your lips were the best lips I had in a while...but this was 2 years ago(almost).  You honestly were the best sex I had in a while.  Sucking your dick felt the best, hearing your moans when I put it deep in my throat or sucking on your balls.  Your moans drove me crazy. 

Let's not even talk about the moans you made when I would ride you.  FUCK!!! you made me appreciate sex more than anyone had honestly.  You always wanted to taste me but you know that's something I would never let you do(until I finally let you and it was kool:-).  Yeah good times good stuff...I wanted to be your "ole lady" but I didn't know how to be with you and the whole military thing and never knowing the type of people you hung around when you went out....I pushed you away but I tried to fix it...I could only do so much and with that said it's no reason why now we should even try to be friends.

The night you were drunk and we fucked and you came inside of me and slept in that shyt!!!  And I started to feel weird sometime after.  I knew I wouldn't get pregnant.  But when I asked you how you would feel if it did happen and you told me:  you know I aint ready for anymore kids right now!!!

In other words WTF!!! pretty much and a double HELL NAW...I knew we just wouldn't work.  You're gorgeous weird sex and I love those lips eyes smile and ass weird sex but it is what it is and we are what we are....NOTHING!!!!

Head

This is just something I love to do....whether it's a man or a woman...it all gives me the same feeling...ACCOMPLISHMENT!!!

One incident in particular that I wanted to share tonight was with a guy that I met online.  I forget his name and really don't care but he was kind of different to me.

He had told me after having sex that he usually don't deal with black girls and at the very least girls as dark as myself.  So i definitely felt some type of way lol.

Anyhow...He gave me a few pictures of his dick and I was kinda amazed and once I seen that thing in person...I definitely was shocked lol it was long and had some weight to it.  I definitely tried to give it my all and apparently I did a damn good job because he told me so.

I always get the same comments about my sex but I always think it's so bad.
>my pussy so tight and/or my head is great< blah blah blah

I deep throat his dick a few times...jacked and sucked at the same time...went back to throating it to licking sucking the tip....I can actually say I had fun with his dick.  And to fuck him and make him cum and then get him hard all over again...

Yes I can say that was amazing lol!!!!

More about Me

I've always been the type that's wanted to care for someone.

I would do anything to make someone happy that's why I always knew I would be a great friend a good girlfriend and an awesome wife.

But getting involved with someone was never my strong point.  It's always been the wrong timing.
Someone would want to be involved with me but I'd be too scared or just not ready or I'd be completely ready but no one would be thinking about a relationship when I was.

I'd talk to people and try to get a feel for them but then they'd leave once we'd have sex.  So then that started turning me into the girl I am today.  Horrible horrible horrible!

After a long string of every temporary guy, I started being that temporary girl.  I'd meet a very nice man and not intentionally but all I'd ever want is sex.

I've never been the type to want for anything but everyone would want something from me.
I  started to change into a person I'd never wanted to be.  I hate the person I am today.

But inside, I know I'm still that girl that just wants to love care respect and support that one man that wants and needs me just like I do him.  I love to please and nurture.  I love to cook and amongst other things. And in return all I want is your time.  Whenever you'd have it. I don't ask for much just some honesty and understanding.

Unprotected

Once we got use to each others company, I guess you could say our feelings started to become real.

Starts with a C and ends with a S and I started to go out more.... movies dinners grocery shopping the mall every and anything with each other... You could definitely say we were technically dating but to him we weren't.

I came to his place just like every night and we watched TV together in his room.   I don't even remember this particular night and its details but of course that night we were about to fuck. We were kissing and all and he went to reach for that condom.

He began to put it on but I snatched it and threw it.  I'm so glad we were on the same page and ready to take it to that level because I was so Horny and wet that when he slid his dick in I knew he felt great.  The back and forth motion of him all inside of me. I never wanted to let this man go.

And once we began to be unprotected he never let one drop of cum escape my body.  The first time he asked me were I wanted him to cum and of course I moaned,  "inside me".  And that's what he did and all he ever did. I wanted him to eventually get me pregnant.  He knew my body so well.

After a few months my body started feeling weird but it was nothing and glad it was nothing because after a whole 6 and a half months of us being together every day.... To find out this man was married....I could've murdered him smh.

#stillnotpregnant

He always reminded me that he still loves me and wanted me to have his child even though he's still married.  LOSER!!!!

Random Sex

I call it random because all my sex very recently have been just fucking random.  I met this guy online and he was stating that he was in the military and due to leave to afghan real soon however he wanted to get someone pregnant and leave his place to the person he impregnated.

I was very interested because at that point in my life I definitely tried the whole getting pregnant thing. This night was actually amazing because I got to do everything I wanted to do with this man.

When I got to his apartment, nothing was in the house except the sheets and comforter he slept on.  We sat and talked about him and the whole military thing and what he expected out of a woman and everything was everything.  We moved from the living room after a period of time and into what you assume is the bedroom lol I say assume because again nothing was in the whole apartment.  Anyways there we were again talking about his family life growing up so on and so forth.  He was actually pretty kool though but cocky for someone that was semi attractive. 

(eventually)He wanted me to start taking off my clothes simply by stating...why do you have all those clothes on lol.  He started trying to kiss on me but I pushed him away and told him let me do what I want.  I began with a massage.  I love using my hands and I covered every part of his body when I gave him this massage...He told me that I was doing a good job.  I then started to lick on his body.  I told him to turn over so I could do the front and he happily obliged.  I began to lick and suck on his neck, he started to get hard.  I licked my way down.  He was one man that loved for his nipples to be teased and I enjoy that because I love a man that moans as well.  His dick was real hard now...so while his boxers were still on...I traced my tongue and lips up and down his dick.  He was throbbing so I stopped and climbed on top to ride him just a little while my panties were still on.  I know he wanted me so I went back down, pulled his dick out and began sucking.  I love to give head it's crazy.  His moans were so reassuring, I started to deep throat his dick.  I got his dick real wet. He wanted to fuck me.  So I climbed on top again...but this time pulling off my panties and sliding his dick inside of me.  I swear this man and this situation felt too good to be true.  We did like a hundred and one different positions in that room of his.  Last position was me bent over.  He was fucking me so good and then I heard, "ah I'm about to cum!" and all I could say was OK.  He told me that he was going to cum in my pussy and I just didn't care and he let go.  He kept me bent over for a while to let his cum drip down all the way inside me. I then got nervous lol.  but it didn't phase him.  We chilled and then we went back at it again...fucking forever...or felt like anyways.

It went from a massage to me being on my back lol this sex was quite mind blowing with a random stranger.  After he came inside of me one last time.  He told me this was the best sex he's had in a while with a younger girl and that he wanted me to get pregnant.  But guess what...

#neverbeenpregnant

Threesomes are awful

I have never been the type to share so when I did this particular threesome about 5 years ago.  I didn't know what to expect.

I don't remember how I met these guys but I'm sure it was somewhere online.  The first guy tried and tried to meet me but I just wasn't having it but then this second guy came from out of nowhere but I thought he was a little cute so I gave him a chance.  I learned from then you can't be too careful with who you associate yourself with.  He told me he'd come get me from work and go back to the crib or whatever.  I was OK with that and when He came we walked back to the car and once I got in, the guy driving I noticed right away.  I'm sure they both knew and definitely wasn't going to say a word to me.  But now I definitely was uncomfortable.

So once back at the the guy driving house, in the room we went.  Laying on the bed watching one play the game...I was just bored.  But then the other came in the room and started to play music.  I just didn't want to be involved at all but wasn't driving at the time.  The guy that initiated this meet and greet left again and left me in the room with the guy that drove.  He pulled his dick out and I knew exactly where this was heading.  His dick was fucking huge.  My pussy ain't deep and it ain't wide at all so I knew this would be painful especially if I could barely even get it in my mouth.  So I'm sucking sucking sucking and the other guy walks in.  He began to slide the condom on and I was kinda already bent over so he inserted himself from behind and began to fuck me.  He's dick was hard as hell and big as well because it was just hurting.  To me this shit felt like rape but to any normal optimistic person, this was just you're normal ole' threesome with two dudes and one girl.

Long story short...I didn't like it one bit and was too ready to go.  I realized from that point on...I'm just not the sharing type.

Ms. Mac

I can't lie I do find myself attracted to beautiful women...I mean what person doesn't.
and when I met this girl I was impatient.

I met her just like I did the other girls. She posted saying that she wanted another encounter.
She was telling me how the first wasn't good at all and that she wanted to try one last time because she knows everyone can't be that bad.  She also said she wanted someone older and with more experience but I let her know that just because you're older doesn't mean you know how to do everything.  She was older than me of course but she was beautiful and chocolate and those lips of her was anything but.

We texted for a while and I just knew it would never happened but with time and patience, we finally made it happen.  She told me she was in the area and wanted to meet up.  I was nervous as always but I told her OK kool I wasn't doing anything and that would be just fine.  We met up at panera bread talked and ate.  She seemed to be really kool.  She was telling about a guy friend of hers that was gonna come see her that night and she was gonna go get a hotel room.  I definitely wasn't trying to hear all of that but she told me that if I wanted to come before he did it wouldn't be a problem.  I wanted to turn that down but I wanted to eat her so bad.  So walking to the car she told me where she'd be and I told her I'd get there.

So finally getting to the room it was nice and we sat some more and talked some more and she then began to tell me in detail what happened with this first encounter of hers.  She asked me why I didn't like getting head or whatever and I began to let her know it just wasn't my thing anymore.  She began to prepare herself.  She came out of the bathroom and laid underneath the covers in all purple.

I climbed on the bed and asked her was she ready....and she was just like she guess lol.  I pulled the covers back and began to kiss her. Those lips were so soft and her body was just so brown.  She took her bra off and I mean she was fucking yummy looking.  She threw some negatives out but hey kids make your body so who cares...she was beautiful.  I began to kiss suck and lick her breasts and rubbed on her pussy.  You could just feel the heat from that shit.  I had completely wished I was a dude because I definitely would've fucked the shit out of her.  I then started kissing down her body and licking in between her thighs, I know she wanted to start.  So I pulled her panties to the side and licked her pussy.  Yep that shit got wet quick.  I put two fingers in her pussy at first just teasing her and her fucking moans was a turn on.  I pulled her purple panties off and went to work with my mouth.  Sucking licking sticking rubbing rotating on and on I went.  Grabbing her titties licking her neck sucking the fuck out of her pussy.  I wanted her to cum at least once while I was there and I didn't give a fuck about that nigga she had coming later.

I sucked that clit and fingered her pussy while she kept moaning, "yes right there" I definitely didn't want to fuck it up so I listened.  She's like mmmmm yeah but she never told me if she was going to cum or not.  But eventually I felt her pussy get real tight and her legs started to quiver.  Now I know females because of course I'm one and I know that bitches can fake shit real well.  But that pussy got extra wet on my hands and she let out this delicious ass moan and it was all over.

She told me that she was satisfied but I told her, "I know ya dude coming so he can finish what I didn't if I didn't.'' she laughed and said she was good but women lie so I shrugged it off.  I definitely got me some penis that night lol.

Military first

I went with military first only because I don't like this guys name lol I know a bit childish.

Anyhow I picked talking about him because I met this guy very normal.  We went to school
together.  He was in my computer class and I felt like he was fucking gorgeous...yeah that's right just "fucking" gorgeous lol.  Anyways, I told y'all I'm not the approaching type but sometimes you just got to step out your boundaries.

Him and I talked for a while and had sex a few times but I just wanted to talk about one thing in general about him.

He had the sexiest lips and I knew if we kissed it would be just perfect.  When we finally did I was in lust.  Anyhow he was quite amazing with that mouth in general.  He made me appreciate oral sex in all the aspects.  He gave me willing head all the fucking time.  He made my body shake with that tongue and those lips(yes gawd).  I definitely lust for him.

One night in general he had came up from north Carolina to visit his son aka to play husband from what I was told.  Later that night he ended up getting this hotel room and his dad was with him.  So awkward lol but he didn't go to the room with us.  This military first made my body feel like heaven, whatever that feels like lol.  He laid me back on the bed and got me wet, he nibbled on my clit by folding his lips over his teeth and biting gently...he was fucking good.  He'd dip his tongue into my pussy and kiss my pussy like he was kissing my lips.  He made love with his mouth and I never not
let him eat my pussy.  He was amazing.

So every time I tell people I don't like getting head I can't say I never in life loved it because I did, it's just now I don't..but I'd probably enjoy all over again if he came back lol

Just About me

There's nothing special about me
I get another year older but nothing special
I don't go out I don't party I barely even drink and I don't smoke
I don't really communicate so I don't have friends
I have 3 tattoos and still counting
I love pain I had a lot of piercings but once I joined the reserves
I had to get rid of them
I have about three jobs in total
I want to go back to school so that's what I'm in transit to do
I'm a hopeless romantic and honestly really scared to be in a relationship
I hear most guys say they want a woman that's their equal of some sort
but I'm here to tell you I probably won't be her and that's probably
why no one wants to commit to me
I still live at home with my parents and siblings
However I do drive and I make my own car payments and everything
else that I need I pay for with my hard earned monies
I don't have any children and I feel like I'm writing all my negatives
but that's just to let you know about myself in all the possible angles
I love to watch porn...lesbian and male porn I just started watching
bestiality really...I love giving and it's hard for me to take in every
aspect of that saying....I was always taught that if I can't get it I don't
need it....so I kinda keep to that...I think that's about everything to this
simplex girl

#Thatsjustme

Second encounter

This is the second experiment in my life that I had with a female and it was the most awkward lol.

So again seeing how I'm not the approaching type person I resorted to the internet to find this second girl.  Same site but this time I responded to her post.  Pretty much stating: I'm interested but I just want to eat your pussy and nothing in return.

She was actually pretty game and she was my type.  I love everything about chocolate skin whether it's a man or a woman.  We exchanged numbers and started texting. She started sending me all these pictures and me to her and she started telling me how sexy and I was and how good she knew I would make her feel.  I don't know where she got that from but whatever I went with it lol.  We were on two different time schedules and I was nervous as hell so I made every excuse not to taste her lol.

Around this time I started messing with this guy and he was amazing.  I made plans to go see him the same night but I told her that I would meet with her before I went to him.  She understood and let me know that her boyfriend was going to be with her and um her roommates as well so we would have to be quiet and discrete which was no problem....UNTIL I GOT THERE lol.

So I get there and she wasn't home yet so I waited...once she got there she let me know the situation and inside I went.  I just wanted to eat her pussy real good and then jet to hang with my sweetie lol at the time.  When I got to her room I got the stupidest shock of them all...I fucking knew her boyfriend....I had sucked his dick in the car about a month or two before meeting her.  But we played it like we didn't know each other but that shyt made me uncomfortable as hell lol.  I didn't even take my clothes off.

I began to take her panties off while he sat on the floor pretending to not be aware of the situation taking place behind him.  and I dove in that shyt...my whole face and tongue. fingering the shyt outta her.  I love the way this particular girl made me feel.  Licking and sucking on her titties she made me aware that she was feeling amazing.  Her befriend then processed onto the bed above her head and she pulled his dick out and began sucking while I was still eating and fingering her pussy.  It was so fucking weird because he would constantly keep staring at me in my eyes as I had a mouth full of her and her of him.  I was to ready to go.   He started playing with her titties and I just kept doing my job down there.  I tried to rush it but it didn't happened lol

As I was fingering and rotating my tongue all in and around her she started pushing me away.  I didn't know why so when she pushed me away I would go back in sucking on her clit and fingering her.  She began to get real tight and then she started squeezing her legs around me.   I was confused lol I didn't know what was going on...she stopped sucking his dick and everything.  She let out this big sigh and smiled.  I was like was that a good thing that just happened and she told me yes....she had just came.  I loved that shyt.


#Iwouldloveforanotheroneofthoseexperiences :-)

Experiment

I named this "experiment" because that's what it is.  It's a time in some females lives where they feel they haven't did anything until they've slept with somebody's female lol.

I love to please that's just want I do.  My personal pleasures come from pleasing others.  Whether with my personality or my mouth, as long as you are happy I am too.

I have never been this type to like getting oral after such and such but I have always always loved giving.  I had never been the kind of girl to go for what she wanted so with this particular situation,
I had to resort to the terrible internet.  So Craigslist I went.  The post simply stated:  I'm looking for a chocolate female to pretty much eat for breakfast lunch or dinner. Just be semi attractive lol

I got a lot of different responses from a lot of different people and at that point I noticed how many people can't read lol.

I eventually ran into this one particular girl of course catching my attention we traded pictures and all through email and she was practically looking to do that same.  She gave me her number and her address and told me to swing by the same day.  I just had to get this experience out the way.

So I arrived and there she was.  She was alright and I mean I ain't the most attractive so it worked out.  She was telling me about how her husband was doing something either deployed or at work of some sort and her son wasn't in the house so that was a plus.  I mean as soon as I got in the house I just wanted to put my tongue all in her no lie lol but we just sat on the couch and filled each other out trying not to be so nervous lol.  After a period of time, she offered to start and if I could've had a shot of somebody's alcohol....baby I would've lol.  So up the stairs we went  and the experiment started.

I noticed that when it comes to female I can be the very aggressive one and with that said I began snatching her fucking clothes off.  Her body was beautiful...it wasn't perfect but It was beautiful in my eyes.  Here breast was amazing and her ass was kinda big.  I just had to feel on her but she wanted me naked as well.  I took my clothes off but left my panties on and began to lick kiss and suck all over her body laying her ass down.  I love breast for some reason and she had no problems with that.  As I'm kissing and licking on her, I began to rub on her clit.  Her moans was sexy as hell.

I could feel she just wanted to get this shyt out the way though...So I started kissing down her body and down to her pussy.  I'm glad it smelled good and whatever lol.  I started my licking her clit and hole.
Trying to get that pussy soaked I started to finger her at the same time.  Her moans were turning me all the way on.  I began to nibble on her pussy/clit and she grabbed my head.  I ain't even gon lie I felt like a dude with the way she was acting.  I guess it was getting good because she started tightening her legs on me lol as I started grabbing on them titties.

Once she was done with whatever...I wiped my mouth and then she wanted to eat me for dinner...let's just say she bought out the toys and I was done lol not in a good way lol

Experiment number one completed!!!!!

TONY

Now the significance to this name is because he is the FIRST man that made me cry in a good way while ending sex lol that's funny how I put that.

So "Tony" was to be a man that was there whenever I needed him no matter what it was.  We were so much a like that we couldn't stand each other believe it or not.  He was older than me so you could say friends with benefits or sugar daddy but trust he definitely was not that lol.

I slept with him before but this particular day was just mind blowing.

He's this type of guy that likes to talk shit while fucking...pulling hair slapping ass etc.  Yeah that's my type of stuff too but anyways this day was just different from the others.  Now I had never had an "orgasm" I guess that's what you people call it lol and I had never "squirted" so of course I was amazed.

This day was just like any regular day, I got there early in the morning after he got home from a late night of work.  We kinda just finished arguing with each other about some nonsense and no one cares lol.  I walked in and up the stairs while he smacked my ass while in my purple shirt and spongebob shorts to the bedroom we went.  We never really kissed and he was the "rip your clothes off" type so my clothes were off quickly.  A thousand and one positions later bent over I was.  It was just regular sex just like any other day until he started smacking my ass pulling my hair and going in deeper.  I knew we were getting into each other.

Next he flipped me over, so on my back I laid and deeper he drove himself into me.  "What's my name bitch" is what he'd ask me and "Tony" is all I could say.  and again he asked and again I would scream "Tony" he's like is it good to you and I'm like yesss!!!!! and the deeper he got I could feel me wanting to cum but I just didn't know how.  So one more time he's like...do you like it bitch

YESSS...so what's my name??? "AHHH  TONYYYYY" and next thing you know while I'm moaning tony we could both hear the condom break.  He wanted to pull out and I'm too glad he didn't because again simultaneously when I moaned tony and the condom broke he stroked like twice and I exploded...when I say I squirted this man said, "yesss cum on this dick girl" and then he pulled out...it came out of me like a faucet lol it was beautiful...the feeling I mean.

It made him a little cocky though lol

REESE

So the reason I named this Reese is because of course this is the guy I lost my virginity to.


It was an amazing night but crazy.  I went to his place and we chilled out for the most part.
His family was there but they didn't care that I was there with him.  We couldn't go to his room but I guess that didn't stop him from wanting me lol.  I was about 15 and he of course was only 16 or 17 I believe.  I had known "reese" for a while so I felt comfortable enough with him putting me in this type of situation.

We were sitting on the couch in the living room and we were watching room 1407 I believe that is what the movie is called.  For some reason I don't know lol but the more into the movie we got a cover came from nowhere,  I think I was cold lol.  Anyways I was laying up against him while his grandmother and aunt were sitting in the kitchen and he put the cover over top of us.  Next thing I know he started to slide his fingers into my panties.  At the time I felt like I was ready so I continued to let him dive.  He started fingering me so good that I began to moan and he put his other hand over my mouth because as a reminder, his grandmother and aunt were in the kitchen lol.  But he continued to finger me and I had to bite my lip.

So he stopped and told me to follow him.  I knew what was to come but I wasn't sure if I was ready for that part yet.  But I followed him of course.  The night was amazing...the temperature was just the right temp with the wind blowing and all.  I followed him around the the backside of the house and there sat the AC unit of the house and in close distance was the kitchen that again his grandmother and aunt sat in lol.

He began to finger me again while standing up and kissing me.  He knew how to make me feel too good.  I didn't know how to feel about the situation so I went with it.  While standing up and kissing he asked me did I want to do this. This being "it" and I shook my head yes.  I figured if him fingering me felt oh so delicious, then I assumed him fucking me would too right....WRONG lol.  I quickly slid my pants down and sat on top of the AC unit.  He asked me one last time was I sure and I said yes...he bought himself closer and slid inside of me so quickly that it took my breath away quick.  I almost screamed but before I could even do that much....he practically suffocated me lol he put his hand over my mouth because we were right outside the kitchen as mentioned.  I tried grabbing for the door but he wouldn't let me do that even.  The pain was unbearable I started to shake really badly and cry.  He claim he got nervous and so he stopped lol.

Yeah my first time....very remember-able but horrible lol