Mom...not to be!!!

The reason I named it this way is because I am currently no longer pregnant.


It all started February 8th.  I had drill that weekend and got a hotel room to technically be alone but just to be closer to my unit as well.  I hate that drive so early in the morning.  Saturday night I kik ole dude to come over and just sleep with me.  When I say sleep that's exactly what I meant.  He asked if I meant fucked but I said, "I didn't mean it that way but if it happened oh well lol."  He eventually came over that night and him laying next to me didn't mean a thing I just hate sleeping alone.  Now this guy that I'm talking about, I've written about him before on my blog.  So for us to have sex this night it felt just as good as it did before maybe better lol.  I'm not going to get into any details of that night because it's not pertinent.

February 9th, the next morning.  I think I didn't have to report until 7 or whatever the case may be.  I started to rub up against him and kiss his lips and so on.  He eventually woke up and got the picture.  Before I had to go he made me feel so amazing right but the last position landed me in a lot of shyt.  I was on top of him, riding him.  Yessss...mistake.  He told me, "I'm about to cum!"  and I heard him but I didn't think anything of it because before I was told I couldn't get pregnant.  So this didn't phase me.  But he came inside of me while I was on top of him.  His eyes got wide like shock, nerviness, and disappointment maybe?  So I got off went to the bathroom to clean off and push out his cum.  It never came out but I still didn't think about it.

Moving forward 2 to 3 weeks.  I was supposed to get my period about the ending of the month.  I was counting it down.  I started feeling cramps and my boobs were starting to hurt so I was excited about it, thinking like if I get my period I know I'm not pregnant.  So the 25th came and I said OK well I got at least one more day and if I don't get it (smh).  I bought a pregnancy test that night.  The morning of the 26th came and no period.  I opened up the pregnancy test and used it.  A minute later and the results where "you are pregnant."  I was shocked, not sure if I was shocked(happy) or (sad).  Maybe a little of both.

That morning I kik him, no response.  So then I texted him basically saying, "when you get the time we need to talk."  I wanted to see him face to face but I'm guessing between the last time we saw each other and the time I found out, nothing has been going his way.  He eventually responded back and I think he knew exactly what I wanted to talk about.  I told him and let him know I wasn't going to keep it so no worries.  He pretty much asked me did I set him up blah blah blah...hilarious.  Eventually, he wanted to know why I wasn't going to keep it. (We are not ready and I don't even like you like that).

Anyhow  March 21st.  I ended up getting an abortion.  Almost 2months pregnant.  It really hurt my feelings to have to do this.  But throughout the whole time, not once did he willingly check up on me or anything.  I stopped worrying about him a while ago.  It hurt because I had to have my baby literally yanked and sucked out of me.  I'm still upset because it could've been my little girl that I want so bad.  Well I let him know that everything was over and done with and now it's like he wants to talk to me.  I don't care to see him though.  SMH!  My due date would've been November 7th.

R.I.P.

my child

Mommy is sorry!!!

I wouldn't let go....

Until he kissed me.

I took a while to meet you.  Those Internet dating sites don't really do any justice so I was scared.  I was going by your profile and you seemed like someone I wanted to get to know.  I finally took it for what it was and agreed to meet you and "hang out".  I told you before you came that I didn't want to see you because I was horny and figured it would be a bad idea to come see but you insisted that you wouldn't do anything and we would just watch some movies.

I wanted to just fuck you actually and go about my business so for you to say we would just watch movies lol I knew we really wouldn't.  Once you came to pick me up I thought you were as adorable as your profile made you out to be.  But I learned by just looking at your phone that something about your profile was just a lie.  We talked on the ride back to your place.  All cool or whatever the case may be.  You let me know ahead of time that you were staying with your homeboy or whatever but the shock was that your homeboy had his girl and child just all up over the place lol I didn't know how to act.  Before we started to watch the movie I caught a glimpse of your screen and I seen a child and started to shake my head...I did actually hope it was like your nephew or something but when I said that his homebody child was cute he made the statement that his kid don't look better than your son.(smh)

As we laid there watching movie 43 lol (crazy movie) you wanted me to get closer to you but I really didn't want to.  But he has long arms so it didn't matter.  I didn't get closer to him but he reached down to my ass grabbing my ass and fingering my pussy.  It didn't really feel like anything but it was kinda wet I guess lol because you asked me, "what's that noise?"lol He started to tell me that he was  hungry but I already knew he was hungry because he's stomach was growling mad loud lol.  But he asked if I could feed him lol I didn't understand until he stood up and asked if I could make him full lol smh

He eventually got down on his knees pulled my sweats down and stuck his tongue deep inside of me and began to eat me he felt nice.  I did moan a little but I did tried to keep it in.  He wanted to know what my pussy felt like but I didn't want to let go.  I try to keep my legs tight but he was just whispering, "relax!" but I couldn't.  As much as I wanted to have sex I didn't want to do it with him.  He had an amazing body and I was shocked that his dick was big smh I hate that lol. Anyways I had my knees tight and tucked and he was trying to break through but I wouldn't let go until he leaned down and kissed me.  His thick lips all over mines made me feel so wanted.  I think I started to feel some way about him.  See him in a whole different light.  He felt amazing just after that one kiss.  That was all I ever needed.  I rode on him but it hurt because of his size.  During sex he asked me would I be his and I wanted to say yes.  I definitely wouldn't mind us being more than what we started out to be.

Long story short...as he took me home he let some information about him go and I wasn't sure of the information giving.  I wasn't comfortable and I penalized him for it because honestly hearing that all at once I just wasn't ready.  I really would like another try but I doubt it because I did avoid him twice so far...I apologize and that wasn't fair to you!!!

That night

You asked me to stay With you I told you I had drill in the morning and I got there so late I definitely didn't get any sleep.

This night reminded me of the night me and ol' dude use to have.   So finally making it there all you wanted to do was cuddle and talk but I just wanted to cuddle and fall asleep.  We watched a few movies laughed and dosed off.  You woke up and shook me if I'm correct telling me to talk to you.   You knew I was tired and had drill and insisted on keeping me awake lol. You were telling me how you felt and about your family and son and bad encounters with females and blah blah blah.

I don't remember how we began to talk about sex but question that lead to this story was: do you prefer short and fat or long and skinny.   Halfway sleep having this conversation, I had to think hard about it and said I would rather have short and fat... You laugh and as soon as that decision was made you said oh OK. You started asking me about spots and where mines were and touching me. You started licking me and kissing my body and when you halfway sleep anything would feel good... You started taking off my clothes... Long story short.... You placed your penis in my pussy and when I felt it I was in shock because it really was fat.... Can't lie your dick felt amazing even though it was short... You had my pussy sore that night lol.

Afterward I fell asleep and so did you....it was getting closer and closer to wake up and you woke up before me.  My Alarm wasn't the alarm on my phone but you force your dick inside of my tight sore pussy.  It's nothing better than that kinda sex.  You made me feel amazing that night.   It sucks it ended the way it did but I guess everything for a reason right.   I won't mind having that night again with you though;-)

How I been feeling

I haven't been good lately and felt like I should just get this off my chest.

Nothing has been seeming to go the way I'd like not necessarily planned.

Just all the working and getting nowhere the still haven't been able to go back to school

thing is killing me emotionally.  And the fact these fucking humans just keep pissing me

off just makes me madder.  Haven't had my car in sometime now.  The feeling lonely

every day and every night.  I just don't have the support system I'm needing.

Honestly how I been feeling is pretty much like dying.

I figured if I wasn't here any longer I would be at peace but suicide would just

be the easy way out right?  smh....I guess.  But I think about it every day.

From the consistent financial obligations and to the emotional attachment I don't have.

 I just feel empty.  Wanting to be happy for my girl and her first child but I can only be

so happy because I'm stuck on jealousy.  Yeah shit is real but I'm living.  Life is not hard

it's just the people in it that makes me feel like it is.  Not having a chance at anything better.

Yeah I hate myself and I hate my life but it's mines...I wouldn't want anyone else living it.